My own experience

My own experience

Little old me, what do I know about life?

Isn’t it frustrating when you are experiencing the deepest version of something, you decide to share and people respond:

“Ah! that’s all your experiencing and you are behaving like this?”

OR

“Ah! Your own is better, me…”

OR

“At least you should be grateful you are alive, some other people…”

Can the world just let me experience my experience in peace.

I mean, I get it.

I am probably better off than 1 million people somewhere. I acknowledge it.

But the thing I am experiencing right now is MY OWN. MY OWN experience.

The other person’s own may be worse but I can’t tell. I haven’t experienced it.

I am not experiencing my own experience just so I can win the ‘Worst Experience Award‘ I am just experiencing my experience and feeling the feels my experience is giving me.

Can I just do that?

I am sure someone gets this.

Write soon xx

It’s 12:44am and I feel like myself

It’s 12:44am and I feel like myself

For the first time in a while I felt like myself

I felt like myself tonight

It is 12:43am and I finally feel like myself

I have not felt like myself for 61 days

I didn’t know why

But I know I did not feel like myself

But I felt like myself a few minutes ago

I had to track it

What was different?

I was working

It was 12:34am when it hit me that I was feeling like myself

It was 12:34am and I was working

I felt like myself because I was working

I have an unhealthy relationship with work

Yeah, I don’t get it either.

Write soon xx

Me…

Me…

It’s been a minute.

I have missed this page.

I have missed my keyboard.

I have not been here physically but I have thought about being here fondly everyday.

But I had nothing to give.

But it was not like before.

It was not like the days where there was an emptiness.

There was something, I wanted to write, but the words were not ready.

They were cooking.

Now they’re here.

It is not elaborate or grande

But it is here.

Here it is:

I am this and I am that

A very good this and a very good that

But each day I focus on what I am not

A poor this and a shitty that

and these thoughts cause my heart to bleed

“Why am I not this and why am I not that?”, I ask

But the world responds: “But you are such a good this, can’t you see it?”

I respond: “Oh please, this can be more this and that can be more that, so why isn’t it so?”

I had a thought;

What if I shift my gaze?

What if I focus on the ‘this’ and the ‘that’ that I am?

What if I start to see the good this and the good that?

Today, I searched within

And I saw for myself that indeed, I am this, and indeed, I am that

I am coming to an understanding of the me that I am 

and not who I think I am meant to be.

I hope you find your way here too.

Write soon xx

A Hallway with a Thousand Doors

A Hallway with a Thousand Doors

I was struggling to sleep last night so I began to think as usual

I knew someone who had put his all into a particular thing and things didn’t work out

He was distraught

He was feeling as though there was no point trying anymore

I don’t know how many other things he had tried before this particular thing

Or if that was the only thing he had ever really tried so hard to get

But I knew this particular let down had affected him severely

Suddenly an image came to my mind

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Dealing with Demons

Dealing with Demons

I like to refer to struggles as demons. This way, I envision struggles as little beings / minions that disturb our preferred disposition from time to time.

Everyone has a demon they battle with on and on but some people’s demons are greater than others’.

You think of your demon as the most difficult thing to deal with and then you hear about someone else’s and you’re like, ‘I might just have a bug tbh’.

My thoughts are all over the place – I thought I could come and put some of it down here but it seems stuck.

Let me tell you what I call a demon

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In loving memory

In loving memory

Your memory is eternal

I have said this before

Not a day has gone by in the past 2,920 days that I have not thought about you

Your memory is eternal

How could it not be?

You were excellent

They spoke about love the other day at church

And all that resonated with me and this feeling of love was you

Your memory is eternal

How could it not be?

You were strong

I think about what a man should be and you are the first example that comes to my mind

Your memory is eternal

How could it not be?

You were love at it’s best.

I have never experienced such love on this earth as the one you showed me

Your memory is eternal

How could it not be?

You were smart

Any question I could think of, you had an answer to

Your memory is eternal

I never want to loose my memory of you

I pray to God I never will

I want to think of you everyday for the rest of my life

You are not a memory that should ever be lost

I miss you from the depths of my soul

It feels like a log

But I’m not sad

I can’t explain it

I am grateful

I am more grateful than I am sad

I am grateful to have had a love like yours in this cruel world

I miss you

Oh gosh, I miss you

Your memory is engraved in my heart

I love you

Oh gosh, I love you

Thank you

Thank you for everything

It’s 8 years later and I am honored to be your seed.