This can’t be it…

This can’t be it…

I want to be more than this

I know this isn’t it for me

But do I work hard enough to get the things I want?

To get to where I want to be?

I guess if I had to ask…

But sometimes I can’t help it

I’m not motivated

I wake up and I say, “today will be different”

And guess what?

It never is

It’s the same cycle

I wake in the morning and immediately my eyes pop open

I can’t wait till it it’s time for me to close them again

This can’t be it

This can’t be how I get to where I want to be

This can’t be how I live the life God has given me

But maybe it’s not so bad

Some days I smile

I smile a lot more than I thought I could

Some days I frown

I frown a lot

Frowning is my default state these days

Maybe it’s because I know I’m not “doing it right”

But wait, I still smile sometimes

I smile

When I’m happy, when I’m not

I smile because it means people leave you alone

When you smile people assume that you are happy, that you are okay.

And I guess that’s a good thing

It is the best look to have really

That’s a lie, I don’t really smile

People would testify

I’m a grump

This write up has too many angles

Let me be more coherent

*clears throat*

A good number of people are not where they want to be

Who do you take it out on?

Why are you unhappy?

Whose fault is it?

No one really

In fact it’s most likely yours

I know mine’s mine

It my fault I’m here

I could do so much more

I want to push myself

I want to be able to say I tried everything I could and it just didn’t work

But I can never say that if I never try

I always make excuses

I have excuses for everything

You know that thing called comfort zone

It sounds so safe

But it could very well be one of the most dangerous places you could find yourself or rather keep yourself

This post is too long and it’s still not very coherent

But I’m sure someone gets what I mean (I hope)

Write soon xx

It can be done, it shall be done

It can be done, it shall be done

Ohh! where do I start?

First off, it has been a minute. So much has happened in the last 45 days or so. I hope I do it justice with this post. Tbh I doubt I will, but you know, bear with me 🙂

Okay I have to write this because it’s stuck in my head – ‘the money turned me into a monster, the money turned my noodles into pasta, the money turned my tuna into lobster’ lol (if you know, you know).

Okay back to business.

Have you had an experience that made you question yourself? Questioning not just your ability to scale through but actually questioning your ability to be yourself through it. You’re probably wondering how something can question your ability to be you.

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Remembering a Legend

Remembering a Legend

“I love you.” My legend never failed to let me know.

“I love you” – my legend said to me when I had been good.

“I love you” – my legend said to me when I had been bad.

“I love you” – the last words my legend said to me.

When I think about this Legend I am stunned at how amazing one person could be.

How one person could be so tough yet so loving.

I remember your discipline. How there were certain things we couldn’t dare to try (and still can’t tbh) because we knew the consequences. How you made us tough. How you embarked one of life’s toughest journeys without ever complaining. How you  fought through the pain, how you smiled through the pain. My legend was a fighter.

I remember your love. How you always put us before yourself. How you took all of our burdens and made it your own. How you made us feel safe. How you had an answer to everything. How you were still thinking of us even through the pain.

I didn’t understand what it meant to love a person but my legend taught me.

My legend made me who I am today. I remember the days of uncertainties my legend gave me something to believe in.

My legend was the definition of the ‘The love of a father’.

It is not how long you lived but how well you lived – I say my legend lived well. And not just for himself but for so many around him.

They call it “The Remembrance Day” but I don’t need a special day to remember you. Not  a single day has gone by in the past 1825 days that I don’t think about you. You are a star in my heart that has never deemed. Even when our human senses told us you had been blacked out – you didn’t flicker. In my heart you continue to shine bright.

I have never really put “it” out there but today I thought I’d tell the world a little bit about my Legend.

Words cannot express how much I miss you.

Even after so long, whenever something great happens to me I want to pick up the phone and call you. Just to get that very special reaction you give that no one else can replicate. You are a star.

I miss you.

When I’m lost I wish you were there to tell me where to go. Sometimes I pray to dream about you just so I can have a conversation with you.

I miss you.

Somehow I’m not angry that you went away because I actually believe and I’m not just saying it, that you are in a far better place. I just miss you, that’s all.

When I think about you these days I envision you in a beautiful world with your only worry being that you miss us. But that’s okay we miss you too. And eventually we will have what we once had when the Lord permits.

The words above do not represent even a spec of the beauty that was and is my legend. But you know what they say – words are never enough.

So this is just a little something about my legend. A little something to say how much I miss my legend. A little something to say, quite frankly that the world deserves to know a bit about my legend.

Write soon! xx

 

Worry

Worry

Worry! Gosh! Anyone who knows me knows that I worry too damn much. Its ridiculous. Even more so that I know its a bad thing but I keep doing it anyway.

“Worry is a prayer for something you don’t want”. I heard this from TV Series – Mistresses. It’s probably old but I heard it recently and thought “wow, so spot on”.

I always worry but then I end up doing what I would have done in the first place anyway.

Overthinkers Anonymous, I should find this club and join or better yet create one to help others – maybe we can solve our problems together (two heads are better than one right?).

ME: “Hi my name is Happiness and I’m an Overthinker.”

GROUP: “Hi Happiness!”

Sounds good already! 😀

Okay, I was writing this  and I stepped away from my laptop for a couple of hours, lost my train of thought now, I’ll try to get it back *fingers crossed*

Hold on, Is worry different from overthinking? coz they sort of operate at the same level for me. *shrugs*

Why do we worry so much though? – I guess sometimes we can’t really help it.

Let me use myself as an example. Hmmn, I worry a lot! I said this already – lol. But in fact, 92% of the time my worries end up being completely and utterly baseless. Okay, maybe not baseless but unnecessary.

Everyone (well most people – give me a break, I generalize a lot!) know(s) that I am quite a logical person. I rarely ever make a decision without thinking through it thoroughly. And I mean thoroughly (except when I’m just convicted – like when I was selecting a university). Anyway, so, at the end of the day I hardly ever make the wrong decision. I’m not saying I always make the right decision but most times when I say “A” and someone else *cough* my brother *cough* says “B”, “A” is almost always the better decision. Yeah, so you catch my drift.

But as much as I know this I still overthink everything before and worry about everything after. Why? I don’t know. I was hoping you lot could help me.

Okay, Okay I need to start making sense soon.

Errrrmm. Yeah. Worry. Worry is bad – very bad.

Even the Bible condemns it; “Therefore I tell you do not worry about your life … Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life ?” – Matt 6:25 -27

Worry does absolutely nothing for us. I mean as much as we worry over something, a person, a decision we’ve made, or whatever, it does not change the situation. It doesn’t. So what is the point?

Another Quote – “worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength”

So my dear friends rather than worry so much about things we can’t change why don’t we channel that energy towards making things better moving forward or even managing an already dented situation. I hope this makes sense.

If we notice most of the time we spend worrying we are actually not trying to find a solution to the apparent problem rather, what we do is we try to gauge how bad it is – Oh it’s bad, Oh no it’s so bad, On a scale of 1-10 how bad is this? Waste of time!

“When life gives you lemons make lemonade” Does this quote apply? I don’t know.

I mean, think about it, all that time we spend worrying about something that has already happened a nude we already sent out, hehe. Why not just channel that time towards doing something better.

I know we hear this a lot. I am also a work in progress so I’m basically giving myself a pep talk here 🙂 I hope it helps you too!

Worry less, it’s really not worth it.

Write soon! xx

Stuck…

Stuck…

Few feelings are worse than the feeling of being stuck in something you hate. I say this all the time.

Imagine waking up every day with an overwhelming feeling of fear and/or sadness because you know you are about to face another day stuck in an ocean when you would rather be out on dry land.

It’s a terrible feeling.

Okay so let me just say here that this piece is probably not going to make much sense when it’s done. I’m not sure, we’ll see. (btw I’m writing this after I’ve written like 4 paragraphs coz I’m realizing that I’m just rambling so I thought I’d give you guys a heads up). But read on its not that bad – maybe you’ll help me make some sense out of it.

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