Do you love yourself?

Do you love yourself?

I’ve found myself asking this question very often

It’s partly because a friend put me on Rupaul’s famous statement- “if you can’t love yourself how in the hell you gonna love someone else?”

Ain’t that the truth! *snaps fingers dramatically* lol

Anyway, do you love yourself?

Well, do you?

I’ve asked a few people

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It’s like a salad of emotions

It’s like a salad of emotions

A very rich one…

You know those really rich looking salad bowls?

Let me spell out what my mind sees:

Lettuce, carrots, red cabbage, cucumbers, raisins, chicken, eggs, avocados, sweet corn, green peas, corned beef and baked beans.

Yup that’s what I’m seeing

Make your own imaginary salad

Then I imagine drizzling this amazing sweet and tangy sauce on it. I’m mixing it all together where it becomes hard to differentiate one ingredient from the other but I can still see all the different ingredients and can tell which is which when I taste it

Ok where am I headed?

That’s how my emotions have felt these past few weeks

With all that’s going on in the world, I can’t pin point how I feel

I’m usually very emotive

Everyone who knows me knows that

You can almost always tell my emotions by taking one look at my face

I thought I would have a clearer feeling about what covid-19 is doing to the world, to my friends, to my family and to me

But I don’t

I find myself encouraging people

Feeling normal when I expect to feel extremely sad

Or at least thinking I feel normal because I can’t feel the expected sadness

I think I’m in denial

But I’m not though

I know what’s happening

I know it sucks

Maybe I’m avoiding my feelings

But I’m talking about it

Doesn’t that mean I want to feel something?

Should I be happy I’m not feeling as bad as I could be?

Every time I hear my phone buzz I say a little prayer “oh God I hope nothing’s wrong”

Every time.

It’s exhausting

Sometimes I think God is keeping me sane

Maybe if I was “allowed” to feel in this season the people around me wouldn’t know what to do with me

I hope you’re keeping safe

And most importantly doing your best to stay sane

The mind is a crazy place

Let’s go back to the salad

My salad of emotions

Today I sent my friend a message

We don’t talk very often but he gets me

Here’s what I typed:

“Do you sometimes feel a feeling inside you that you wish you could physically pull out and show it to someone else so they could get you?”

Here’s what he said back:

“Yup, but we always know what’s bothering us, we’re just not comfortable saying it”

Maybe he’s right

I don’t know

I’m done rambling

What do you think?

xx

My own experience

My own experience

Little old me, what do I know about life?

Isn’t it frustrating when you are experiencing the deepest version of something, you decide to share and people respond:

“Ah! that’s all your experiencing and you are behaving like this?”

OR

“Ah! Your own is better, me…”

OR

“At least you should be grateful you are alive, some other people…”

Can the world just let me experience my experience in peace.

I mean, I get it.

I am probably better off than 1 million people somewhere. I acknowledge it.

But the thing I am experiencing right now is MY OWN. MY OWN experience.

The other person’s own may be worse but I can’t tell. I haven’t experienced it.

I am not experiencing my own experience just so I can win the ‘Worst Experience Award‘ I am just experiencing my experience and feeling the feels my experience is giving me.

Can I just do that?

I am sure someone gets this.

Write soon xx

It’s 12:44am and I feel like myself

It’s 12:44am and I feel like myself

For the first time in a while I felt like myself

I felt like myself tonight

It is 12:43am and I finally feel like myself

I have not felt like myself for 61 days

I didn’t know why

But I know I did not feel like myself

But I felt like myself a few minutes ago

I had to track it

What was different?

I was working

It was 12:34am when it hit me that I was feeling like myself

It was 12:34am and I was working

I felt like myself because I was working

I have an unhealthy relationship with work

Yeah, I don’t get it either.

Write soon xx

Me…

Me…

It’s been a minute.

I have missed this page.

I have missed my keyboard.

I have not been here physically but I have thought about being here fondly everyday.

But I had nothing to give.

But it was not like before.

It was not like the days where there was an emptiness.

There was something, I wanted to write, but the words were not ready.

They were cooking.

Now they’re here.

It is not elaborate or grande

But it is here.

Here it is:

I am this and I am that

A very good this and a very good that

But each day I focus on what I am not

A poor this and a shitty that

and these thoughts cause my heart to bleed

“Why am I not this and why am I not that?”, I ask

But the world responds: “But you are such a good this, can’t you see it?”

I respond: “Oh please, this can be more this and that can be more that, so why isn’t it so?”

I had a thought;

What if I shift my gaze?

What if I focus on the ‘this’ and the ‘that’ that I am?

What if I start to see the good this and the good that?

Today, I searched within

And I saw for myself that indeed, I am this, and indeed, I am that

I am coming to an understanding of the me that I am 

and not who I think I am meant to be.

I hope you find your way here too.

Write soon xx

Widen your search…

Widen your search…

You have what a lot of people can only dream of

But what you get, you don’t want

What you have, you are tired of

You want more

Is what you have enough?

Is it bad to keep wanting more?

Is it selfish?

Is it greedy?

You try to pick pieces of happiness from the dirt

You have been picking these pieces for a long time

You can barely boast of a hand full

It’s like when you pick a spec of happiness it comes with a huge clump of dirt

So you throw it all back

“There should be a bigger piece of happiness with little or no dirt attached” you think

So you keep searching the dirt pile

Still you find specs with the same large amounts of dirt

You want to scream

You can’t hold it in

Then comes the realization

You have happiness all around

But your focus is on finding it from the huge dirt dump in front of you

Widen your search maybe…

Write soon. xx

 

 

It’s hard.

It’s hard.

Yes it is.

It’s hard to stay strong in the face of adversity

It’s hard to count it all joy

It’s hard to power through when you really want to quit

It’s hard to be the bigger person

It’s hard to not let it get it you

It’s hard to say you’re sorry when it really wasn’t your fault

It’s hard to fight when you really don’t want to

It’s hard to stay strong when all you feel is weakness

It’s hard to smile through the pain

It’s hard.

But we are meant to do these things anyway

They say we should’t pray for things to get easier; rather we should pray for the strength to make it through the tough times

But it is hard

Sometimes we just have to admit it is hard

I am not saying we won’t do it

But let us be true to ourselves

Let us say it as it is

It is hard

Sometimes very hard

Sometimes extremely hard

But we power through

Somehow we make it through to the other side

Somehow we swim across the angry ocean

Somehow we climb that rocky mountain

Somehow we fight our way to freedom

Somehow we do it

And that is great.

But allow us the opportunity to at least admit that during the process, it is hard.

I think it helps

It is better than lying to ourselves

sometimes not admitting something is the same as calling it what it is not

I am rambling

It is because I am currently finding it hard

I know someone else is too

And for a long time we have been trying not to admit it

But I am sure it’s okay for us to admit

Let us acknowledge this difficulty and then continue to move on

It is hard but we won’t stop

We will still fight

We will still smile

We will still swim

We will still laugh

We will still try

It is hard

But we will do it.

Write soon. xx