This can’t be it…

This can’t be it…

I want to be more than this

I know this isn’t it for me

But do I work hard enough to get the things I want?

To get to where I want to be?

I guess if I had to ask…

But sometimes I can’t help it

I’m not motivated

I wake up and I say, “today will be different”

And guess what?

It never is

It’s the same cycle

I wake in the morning and immediately my eyes pop open

I can’t wait till it it’s time for me to close them again

This can’t be it

This can’t be how I get to where I want to be

This can’t be how I live the life God has given me

But maybe it’s not so bad

Some days I smile

I smile a lot more than I thought I could

Some days I frown

I frown a lot

Frowning is my default state these days

Maybe it’s because I know I’m not “doing it right”

But wait, I still smile sometimes

I smile

When I’m happy, when I’m not

I smile because it means people leave you alone

When you smile people assume that you are happy, that you are okay.

And I guess that’s a good thing

It is the best look to have really

That’s a lie, I don’t really smile

People would testify

I’m a grump

This write up has too many angles

Let me be more coherent

*clears throat*

A good number of people are not where they want to be

Who do you take it out on?

Why are you unhappy?

Whose fault is it?

No one really

In fact it’s most likely yours

I know mine’s mine

It my fault I’m here

I could do so much more

I want to push myself

I want to be able to say I tried everything I could and it just didn’t work

But I can never say that if I never try

I always make excuses

I have excuses for everything

You know that thing called comfort zone

It sounds so safe

But it could very well be one of the most dangerous places you could find yourself or rather keep yourself

This post is too long and it’s still not very coherent

But I’m sure someone gets what I mean (I hope)

Write soon xx

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Remembering a Legend

Remembering a Legend

“I love you.” My legend never failed to let me know.

“I love you” – my legend said to me when I had been good.

“I love you” – my legend said to me when I had been bad.

“I love you” – the last words my legend said to me.

When I think about this Legend I am stunned at how amazing one person could be.

How one person could be so tough yet so loving.

I remember your discipline. How there were certain things we couldn’t dare to try (and still can’t tbh) because we knew the consequences. How you made us tough. How you embarked one of life’s toughest journeys without ever complaining. How you  fought through the pain, how you smiled through the pain. My legend was a fighter.

I remember your love. How you always put us before yourself. How you took all of our burdens and made it your own. How you made us feel safe. How you had an answer to everything. How you were still thinking of us even through the pain.

I didn’t understand what it meant to love a person but my legend taught me.

My legend made me who I am today. I remember the days of uncertainties my legend gave me something to believe in.

My legend was the definition of the ‘The love of a father’.

It is not how long you lived but how well you lived – I say my legend lived well. And not just for himself but for so many around him.

They call it “The Remembrance Day” but I don’t need a special day to remember you. Not  a single day has gone by in the past 1825 days that I don’t think about you. You are a star in my heart that has never deemed. Even when our human senses told us you had been blacked out – you didn’t flicker. In my heart you continue to shine bright.

I have never really put “it” out there but today I thought I’d tell the world a little bit about my Legend.

Words cannot express how much I miss you.

Even after so long, whenever something great happens to me I want to pick up the phone and call you. Just to get that very special reaction you give that no one else can replicate. You are a star.

I miss you.

When I’m lost I wish you were there to tell me where to go. Sometimes I pray to dream about you just so I can have a conversation with you.

I miss you.

Somehow I’m not angry that you went away because I actually believe and I’m not just saying it, that you are in a far better place. I just miss you, that’s all.

When I think about you these days I envision you in a beautiful world with your only worry being that you miss us. But that’s okay we miss you too. And eventually we will have what we once had when the Lord permits.

The words above do not represent even a spec of the beauty that was and is my legend. But you know what they say – words are never enough.

So this is just a little something about my legend. A little something to say how much I miss my legend. A little something to say, quite frankly that the world deserves to know a bit about my legend.

Write soon! xx

 

Stuck…

Stuck…

Few feelings are worse than the feeling of being stuck in something you hate. I say this all the time.

Imagine waking up every day with an overwhelming feeling of fear and/or sadness because you know you are about to face another day stuck in an ocean when you would rather be out on dry land.

It’s a terrible feeling.

Okay so let me just say here that this piece is probably not going to make much sense when it’s done. I’m not sure, we’ll see. (btw I’m writing this after I’ve written like 4 paragraphs coz I’m realizing that I’m just rambling so I thought I’d give you guys a heads up). But read on its not that bad – maybe you’ll help me make some sense out of it.

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