Do you love yourself?

Do you love yourself?

I’ve found myself asking this question very often

It’s partly because a friend put me on Rupaul’s famous statement- “if you can’t love yourself how in the hell you gonna love someone else?”

Ain’t that the truth! *snaps fingers dramatically* lol

Anyway, do you love yourself?

Well, do you?

I’ve asked a few people

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It’s like a salad of emotions

It’s like a salad of emotions

A very rich one…

You know those really rich looking salad bowls?

Let me spell out what my mind sees:

Lettuce, carrots, red cabbage, cucumbers, raisins, chicken, eggs, avocados, sweet corn, green peas, corned beef and baked beans.

Yup that’s what I’m seeing

Make your own imaginary salad

Then I imagine drizzling this amazing sweet and tangy sauce on it. I’m mixing it all together where it becomes hard to differentiate one ingredient from the other but I can still see all the different ingredients and can tell which is which when I taste it

Ok where am I headed?

That’s how my emotions have felt these past few weeks

With all that’s going on in the world, I can’t pin point how I feel

I’m usually very emotive

Everyone who knows me knows that

You can almost always tell my emotions by taking one look at my face

I thought I would have a clearer feeling about what covid-19 is doing to the world, to my friends, to my family and to me

But I don’t

I find myself encouraging people

Feeling normal when I expect to feel extremely sad

Or at least thinking I feel normal because I can’t feel the expected sadness

I think I’m in denial

But I’m not though

I know what’s happening

I know it sucks

Maybe I’m avoiding my feelings

But I’m talking about it

Doesn’t that mean I want to feel something?

Should I be happy I’m not feeling as bad as I could be?

Every time I hear my phone buzz I say a little prayer “oh God I hope nothing’s wrong”

Every time.

It’s exhausting

Sometimes I think God is keeping me sane

Maybe if I was “allowed” to feel in this season the people around me wouldn’t know what to do with me

I hope you’re keeping safe

And most importantly doing your best to stay sane

The mind is a crazy place

Let’s go back to the salad

My salad of emotions

Today I sent my friend a message

We don’t talk very often but he gets me

Here’s what I typed:

“Do you sometimes feel a feeling inside you that you wish you could physically pull out and show it to someone else so they could get you?”

Here’s what he said back:

“Yup, but we always know what’s bothering us, we’re just not comfortable saying it”

Maybe he’s right

I don’t know

I’m done rambling

What do you think?

xx

It’s hard.

It’s hard.

Yes it is.

It’s hard to stay strong in the face of adversity

It’s hard to count it all joy

It’s hard to power through when you really want to quit

It’s hard to be the bigger person

It’s hard to not let it get it you

It’s hard to say you’re sorry when it really wasn’t your fault

It’s hard to fight when you really don’t want to

It’s hard to stay strong when all you feel is weakness

It’s hard to smile through the pain

It’s hard.

But we are meant to do these things anyway

They say we should’t pray for things to get easier; rather we should pray for the strength to make it through the tough times

But it is hard

Sometimes we just have to admit it is hard

I am not saying we won’t do it

But let us be true to ourselves

Let us say it as it is

It is hard

Sometimes very hard

Sometimes extremely hard

But we power through

Somehow we make it through to the other side

Somehow we swim across the angry ocean

Somehow we climb that rocky mountain

Somehow we fight our way to freedom

Somehow we do it

And that is great.

But allow us the opportunity to at least admit that during the process, it is hard.

I think it helps

It is better than lying to ourselves

sometimes not admitting something is the same as calling it what it is not

I am rambling

It is because I am currently finding it hard

I know someone else is too

And for a long time we have been trying not to admit it

But I am sure it’s okay for us to admit

Let us acknowledge this difficulty and then continue to move on

It is hard but we won’t stop

We will still fight

We will still smile

We will still swim

We will still laugh

We will still try

It is hard

But we will do it.

Write soon. xx

 

Dealing with Demons

Dealing with Demons

I like to refer to struggles as demons. This way, I envision struggles as little beings / minions that disturb our preferred disposition from time to time.

Everyone has a demon they battle with on and on but some people’s demons are greater than others’.

You think of your demon as the most difficult thing to deal with and then you hear about someone else’s and you’re like, ‘I might just have a bug tbh’.

My thoughts are all over the place – I thought I could come and put some of it down here but it seems stuck.

Let me tell you what I call a demon

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In loving memory

In loving memory

Your memory is eternal

I have said this before

Not a day has gone by in the past 2,920 days that I have not thought about you

Your memory is eternal

How could it not be?

You were excellent

They spoke about love the other day at church

And all that resonated with me and this feeling of love was you

Your memory is eternal

How could it not be?

You were strong

I think about what a man should be and you are the first example that comes to my mind

Your memory is eternal

How could it not be?

You were love at it’s best.

I have never experienced such love on this earth as the one you showed me

Your memory is eternal

How could it not be?

You were smart

Any question I could think of, you had an answer to

Your memory is eternal

I never want to loose my memory of you

I pray to God I never will

I want to think of you everyday for the rest of my life

You are not a memory that should ever be lost

I miss you from the depths of my soul

It feels like a log

But I’m not sad

I can’t explain it

I am grateful

I am more grateful than I am sad

I am grateful to have had a love like yours in this cruel world

I miss you

Oh gosh, I miss you

Your memory is engraved in my heart

I love you

Oh gosh, I love you

Thank you

Thank you for everything

It’s 8 years later and I am honored to be your seed.

You’re the only one you’re sure of

You’re the only one you’re sure of

… and even that isn’t guaranteed

Think about 2 people in a relationship

Any relationship at all

Imagine you are one of those two people

Imagine it’s a friendship

For someone to be your friend, it is assumed that both of you like something about each other.

Now think about this:

You know what you like about the other person

Do you know what they like about you?

You know why you’re friends with that person

Do you know why they are friends with you?

I mean, they may tell you these things.

But do you know for sure ?

Do you know if it’s the truth ?

Now let’s imagine it’s a romantic relationship

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