I think we know what this is …

I think we know what this is …

We meet

We like

We get to know each other

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This can’t be it…

This can’t be it…

I want to be more than this

I know this isn’t it for me

But do I work hard enough to get the things I want?

To get to where I want to be?

I guess if I had to ask…

But sometimes I can’t help it

I’m not motivated

I wake up and I say, “today will be different”

And guess what?

It never is

It’s the same cycle

I wake in the morning and immediately my eyes pop open

I can’t wait till it it’s time for me to close them again

This can’t be it

This can’t be how I get to where I want to be

This can’t be how I live the life God has given me

But maybe it’s not so bad

Some days I smile

I smile a lot more than I thought I could

Some days I frown

I frown a lot

Frowning is my default state these days

Maybe it’s because I know I’m not “doing it right”

But wait, I still smile sometimes

I smile

When I’m happy, when I’m not

I smile because it means people leave you alone

When you smile people assume that you are happy, that you are okay.

And I guess that’s a good thing

It is the best look to have really

That’s a lie, I don’t really smile

People would testify

I’m a grump

This write up has too many angles

Let me be more coherent

*clears throat*

A good number of people are not where they want to be

Who do you take it out on?

Why are you unhappy?

Whose fault is it?

No one really

In fact it’s most likely yours

I know mine’s mine

It my fault I’m here

I could do so much more

I want to push myself

I want to be able to say I tried everything I could and it just didn’t work

But I can never say that if I never try

I always make excuses

I have excuses for everything

You know that thing called comfort zone

It sounds so safe

But it could very well be one of the most dangerous places you could find yourself or rather keep yourself

This post is too long and it’s still not very coherent

But I’m sure someone gets what I mean (I hope)

Write soon xx

Free time

Free time

Value

Value – “the regard that something is held to deserve; the importance, worth, or usefulness of something.”

Am I adding value?

Does this add value to me?

My friend asked me a question yesterday.

It was 30 minutes to the time when we usually leave the office – 2 hours after work had officially closed.

I did nothing in those two hours. Okay I watched Maleek Berry’s Kontrol video like 6 times. But that still translates to nothing right?

I stayed behind only because I wanted a ride a home.

Anyway, so yeah, I walked up to my friend’s office to wait with her for the final 30 minutes.

I met her working on something. We engaged in mindless banter for like 5 minutes. Then I sat down to continue doing ‘nothing’.

Then she asked me – “What do you with your free time?”

I confess I got defensive (she didn’t know I did) But in my mind I was like: “B***h what do you mean???”. She didn’t say anything offensive but I got defensive just because I knew my answer was ‘nothing’ and I knew it was not ideal.

I spent the rest of my time there thinking…but really, what do I do with my free time?

What do you do with yours?

This post isn’t quite done yet.. but I’m tired… 😦

 

I’m okay…

I’m okay…

Kind of like “I’m fine” but my version.

We say I’m fine so much we start to believe we are.

I never do anyway.

I know how not fine I am yet the rate at which I respond with the words “I’m okay” when asked about my general well being or whatever shocks me.

I can hear myself lying and I can’t stop it. I feel like it’s the right thing to do.

To be honest it’s the easiest.

Or is it really?

Why do we say we’re fine when we really aren’t?

Is it safe?

Who do we say it to?

Do we choose?

When do we say the truth?

Do we ever?

What is the truth?

Do we even know?

Are we “fine”?

If we aren’t is it okay to be honest about it Everytime? (Without seeming like a downer?)

When we’re not okay, what’s wrong? Can we tell people what it is? Is that why we lie?

Sigh… So many questions.

I’m okay btw was just wondering about these things 🙂

Write soon. xx

Today? Maybe Tomorrow…

Today? Maybe Tomorrow…

I was with today after struggling so hard to get over yesterday . 
Today and I were having an amazing time.
My heart was melting from the love I got from today. 
I started to feel like yesterday wasn’t so amazing after all.
I was falling in love with today like I had never done before. 
Today was good to me .
I held today begged it never to let me go. 
It felt so good to be in today’s arms.
Then today offered me a gift. I was excited. 
It was a piece of clothing today had acquired years ago. But I didn’t mind, all that mattered was that today was giving me a part of itself. 
But then I recalled something – today had given this same article to its yesterday.
Today wanted to dress me up as its yesterday.
I had moved on from yesterday but today was still there.
Today was not today . 
It had only pretended to be . 
It didn’t depend on me to get over my yesterday , because today was still in love with its.
It was not enough that I had gotten over yesterday because today was still clinging on. 
So I reluctantly take a step back from today.
Maybe tomorrow would be better …

Something’s missing

Something’s missing

I wasn’t happy so I bought a new pair of shoes

I thought some new shoes would give that spring in my step I always wanted

I wasn’t happy so I bought a little black dress

You always feel better with a little black dress on, I thought

I wasn’t happy so I got something to eat

Food always makes me happy, I don’t know about you

I wasn’t happy so I changed my job

You know, they say how you feel about work is directly related to how you feel about life

I wasn’t happy so I moved cities

New city, new me!

I wasn’t happy so I bought a ticket and took a trip round the world.

Travelling the world – Now that’s happiness in a bottle!

I did all these but still, I wasn’t happy.

Something is missing.

I know, I know, people say this a lot…

But really, something is missing.

I don’t know what it is, but I know something isn’t where it’s meant to be.

Something’s missing…please help me find it.

P.S It took a shitty day at the office and an even shittier journey home to bring back the writer in me. I guess