A very rich one…
You know those really rich looking salad bowls?
Let me spell out what my mind sees:
Lettuce, carrots, red cabbage, cucumbers, raisins, chicken, eggs, avocados, sweet corn, green peas, corned beef and baked beans.
Yup that’s what I’m seeing
Make your own imaginary salad
Then I imagine drizzling this amazing sweet and tangy sauce on it. I’m mixing it all together where it becomes hard to differentiate one ingredient from the other but I can still see all the different ingredients and can tell which is which when I taste it
Ok where am I headed?
That’s how my emotions have felt these past few weeks
With all that’s going on in the world, I can’t pin point how I feel
I’m usually very emotive
Everyone who knows me knows that
You can almost always tell my emotions by taking one look at my face
I thought I would have a clearer feeling about what covid-19 is doing to the world, to my friends, to my family and to me
But I don’t
I find myself encouraging people
Feeling normal when I expect to feel extremely sad
Or at least thinking I feel normal because I can’t feel the expected sadness
I think I’m in denial
But I’m not though
I know what’s happening
I know it sucks
Maybe I’m avoiding my feelings
But I’m talking about it
Doesn’t that mean I want to feel something?
Should I be happy I’m not feeling as bad as I could be?
Every time I hear my phone buzz I say a little prayer “oh God I hope nothing’s wrong”
Sometimes I think God is keeping me sane
Maybe if I was “allowed” to feel in this season the people around me wouldn’t know what to do with me
I hope you’re keeping safe
And most importantly doing your best to stay sane
The mind is a crazy place
Let’s go back to the salad
My salad of emotions
Today I sent my friend a message
We don’t talk very often but he gets me
Here’s what I typed:
“Do you sometimes feel a feeling inside you that you wish you could physically pull out and show it to someone else so they could get you?”
Here’s what he said back:
“Yup, but we always know what’s bothering us, we’re just not comfortable saying it”
Maybe he’s right
I don’t know
I’m done rambling
What do you think?