It’s like a salad of emotions

It’s like a salad of emotions

A very rich one…

You know those really rich looking salad bowls?

Let me spell out what my mind sees:

Lettuce, carrots, red cabbage, cucumbers, raisins, chicken, eggs, avocados, sweet corn, green peas, corned beef and baked beans.

Yup that’s what I’m seeing

Make your own imaginary salad

Then I imagine drizzling this amazing sweet and tangy sauce on it. I’m mixing it all together where it becomes hard to differentiate one ingredient from the other but I can still see all the different ingredients and can tell which is which when I taste it

Ok where am I headed?

That’s how my emotions have felt these past few weeks

With all that’s going on in the world, I can’t pin point how I feel

I’m usually very emotive

Everyone who knows me knows that

You can almost always tell my emotions by taking one look at my face

I thought I would have a clearer feeling about what covid-19 is doing to the world, to my friends, to my family and to me

But I don’t

I find myself encouraging people

Feeling normal when I expect to feel extremely sad

Or at least thinking I feel normal because I can’t feel the expected sadness

I think I’m in denial

But I’m not though

I know what’s happening

I know it sucks

Maybe I’m avoiding my feelings

But I’m talking about it

Doesn’t that mean I want to feel something?

Should I be happy I’m not feeling as bad as I could be?

Every time I hear my phone buzz I say a little prayer “oh God I hope nothing’s wrong”

Every time.

It’s exhausting

Sometimes I think God is keeping me sane

Maybe if I was “allowed” to feel in this season the people around me wouldn’t know what to do with me

I hope you’re keeping safe

And most importantly doing your best to stay sane

The mind is a crazy place

Let’s go back to the salad

My salad of emotions

Today I sent my friend a message

We don’t talk very often but he gets me

Here’s what I typed:

“Do you sometimes feel a feeling inside you that you wish you could physically pull out and show it to someone else so they could get you?”

Here’s what he said back:

“Yup, but we always know what’s bothering us, we’re just not comfortable saying it”

Maybe he’s right

I don’t know

I’m done rambling

What do you think?

xx

5 thoughts on “It’s like a salad of emotions

  1. Thanks for this Tomi, yh. I found myself in similar shoes. I don’t feel as bad as I should about it. I am fully aware of the implications though… plus in order to stay sane I really cannot be the responsible adult who is on top of all the latest news cos social media and traditional media can be depressing like that… I think sometimes. It’s okay to be a hitch hiker of your emotions. Like you know where you ought to go, but you don’t know how it is going to take you there, you accept the ride, but you cant be sure how far it can take you. And you might need to take several rides from different people to get you there… in other words, maybe the best thing is not to expect certain emotions but to observe them. Itll tell you a lot about yourself. Sigh… long reply. I’m sorry. I just really responded to this piece. Thanks always.
    -Bambi

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Bambi!!! I like the reference to hitch hiking on emotions. Particularly because people always want to tell you how to feel. And sometimes we are under pressure to feel a certain way because “it only makes sense” . Happy too see you relate with this. I’m sure we’re not alone 🙂

      Like

  2. Mehn, I can totally relate. Can I go back to being a child with no worries and not understanding the concept of emotions? (I still don’t, lol, but you get me).

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I totally understand this… generally, the human mind is scared of things it doesn’t understand. These times are confusing times and that’s putting it mildly. While we are scared we have some sort of obligation to put up a “bold face”. For some of us, we have people who draw from our “confidence” so we don’t have the luxury of showing our fear. The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that I am not alone. Knowing that other people have the same fear I have keeps me sane. You know the first few bites of that salad where you are trying to acquire the taste?… they are the most difficult. Midway through that dish, you are already savoring your salad…OR NOT.. lol..
    Yeah I get how you feel. We shall overcome. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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