Do you love yourself?

Do you love yourself?

I’ve found myself asking this question very often

It’s partly because a friend put me on Rupaul’s famous statement- “if you can’t love yourself how in the hell you gonna love someone else?”

Ain’t that the truth! *snaps fingers dramatically* lol

Anyway, do you love yourself?

Well, do you?

I’ve asked a few people

Read more
It’s like a salad of emotions

It’s like a salad of emotions

A very rich one…

You know those really rich looking salad bowls?

Let me spell out what my mind sees:

Lettuce, carrots, red cabbage, cucumbers, raisins, chicken, eggs, avocados, sweet corn, green peas, corned beef and baked beans.

Yup that’s what I’m seeing

Make your own imaginary salad

Then I imagine drizzling this amazing sweet and tangy sauce on it. I’m mixing it all together where it becomes hard to differentiate one ingredient from the other but I can still see all the different ingredients and can tell which is which when I taste it

Ok where am I headed?

That’s how my emotions have felt these past few weeks

With all that’s going on in the world, I can’t pin point how I feel

I’m usually very emotive

Everyone who knows me knows that

You can almost always tell my emotions by taking one look at my face

I thought I would have a clearer feeling about what covid-19 is doing to the world, to my friends, to my family and to me

But I don’t

I find myself encouraging people

Feeling normal when I expect to feel extremely sad

Or at least thinking I feel normal because I can’t feel the expected sadness

I think I’m in denial

But I’m not though

I know what’s happening

I know it sucks

Maybe I’m avoiding my feelings

But I’m talking about it

Doesn’t that mean I want to feel something?

Should I be happy I’m not feeling as bad as I could be?

Every time I hear my phone buzz I say a little prayer “oh God I hope nothing’s wrong”

Every time.

It’s exhausting

Sometimes I think God is keeping me sane

Maybe if I was “allowed” to feel in this season the people around me wouldn’t know what to do with me

I hope you’re keeping safe

And most importantly doing your best to stay sane

The mind is a crazy place

Let’s go back to the salad

My salad of emotions

Today I sent my friend a message

We don’t talk very often but he gets me

Here’s what I typed:

“Do you sometimes feel a feeling inside you that you wish you could physically pull out and show it to someone else so they could get you?”

Here’s what he said back:

“Yup, but we always know what’s bothering us, we’re just not comfortable saying it”

Maybe he’s right

I don’t know

I’m done rambling

What do you think?

xx

My own experience

My own experience

Little old me, what do I know about life?

Isn’t it frustrating when you are experiencing the deepest version of something, you decide to share and people respond:

“Ah! that’s all your experiencing and you are behaving like this?”

OR

“Ah! Your own is better, me…”

OR

“At least you should be grateful you are alive, some other people…”

Can the world just let me experience my experience in peace.

I mean, I get it.

I am probably better off than 1 million people somewhere. I acknowledge it.

But the thing I am experiencing right now is MY OWN. MY OWN experience.

The other person’s own may be worse but I can’t tell. I haven’t experienced it.

I am not experiencing my own experience just so I can win the ‘Worst Experience Award‘ I am just experiencing my experience and feeling the feels my experience is giving me.

Can I just do that?

I am sure someone gets this.

Write soon xx

It’s 12:44am and I feel like myself

It’s 12:44am and I feel like myself

For the first time in a while I felt like myself

I felt like myself tonight

It is 12:43am and I finally feel like myself

I have not felt like myself for 61 days

I didn’t know why

But I know I did not feel like myself

But I felt like myself a few minutes ago

I had to track it

What was different?

I was working

It was 12:34am when it hit me that I was feeling like myself

It was 12:34am and I was working

I felt like myself because I was working

I have an unhealthy relationship with work

Yeah, I don’t get it either.

Write soon xx

Me…

Me…

It’s been a minute.

I have missed this page.

I have missed my keyboard.

I have not been here physically but I have thought about being here fondly everyday.

But I had nothing to give.

But it was not like before.

It was not like the days where there was an emptiness.

There was something, I wanted to write, but the words were not ready.

They were cooking.

Now they’re here.

It is not elaborate or grande

But it is here.

Here it is:

I am this and I am that

A very good this and a very good that

But each day I focus on what I am not

A poor this and a shitty that

and these thoughts cause my heart to bleed

“Why am I not this and why am I not that?”, I ask

But the world responds: “But you are such a good this, can’t you see it?”

I respond: “Oh please, this can be more this and that can be more that, so why isn’t it so?”

I had a thought;

What if I shift my gaze?

What if I focus on the ‘this’ and the ‘that’ that I am?

What if I start to see the good this and the good that?

Today, I searched within

And I saw for myself that indeed, I am this, and indeed, I am that

I am coming to an understanding of the me that I am 

and not who I think I am meant to be.

I hope you find your way here too.

Write soon xx

A Hallway with a Thousand Doors

A Hallway with a Thousand Doors

I was struggling to sleep last night so I began to think as usual

I knew someone who had put his all into a particular thing and things didn’t work out

He was distraught

He was feeling as though there was no point trying anymore

I don’t know how many other things he had tried before this particular thing

Or if that was the only thing he had ever really tried so hard to get

But I knew this particular let down had affected him severely

Suddenly an image came to my mind

Read more